Years ago I was hitch-hiking in the hinterlands of Minnesota when a van-load of teen-aged Bible enthusiasts picked me up. Perhaps they were going to a revival, or maybe off to compete in a Biblympics somewhere? I don't know, but I can tell you this: those kids, they sure loved their Bibles!

As you might imagine, it wasn't long before conversation drifted around to subjects Biblical. Sure, like any right-thinking American I'd seen my share of Cecil B. DeMille films and all, but other than that, it was kind of a wash. When I was a kid my parents possibly might once have had a bible somewhere, but if they did I'm pretty sure I never read it.

Oh, but how this excited my new-found friends! I was virgin territory, evangelically speaking! In two shakes, they were already ponying up money... taking up a collection...real honest-to-goodness dollars!... all so's I could go and buy myself a Bible! They were so thrilled! I was all like "no, seriously, you don't gotta do that" but they were all like "no, really, its no big deal! Just take it!" They were falling all over each other to give me cash! They were practically throwing the money at me! This was the exact opposite of my understanding of how Religion usually worked.

Then one of them gets the big idea that they don't got to give me money to buy a Bible-THEY GOT PLENTY OF BIBLES RIGHT THERE ON HAND! They got Bibles practically all over the place! Why, you couldn't walk three steps without tripping over a stack of 'em! In addition to their own personal Bible stashes, they had the Big Box 'O Bibles in the back, and doubtless additional bibles hidden throughout the van in case of emergencies. Gosh how their eyes lit up- surely this was the will of the Almighty! They started digging through their bibles, trying to find the edition most suitable for such a lamb as I. The King James Version? The New Standard Revised Version? I had had no idea there were so many variations of the word of God, each one GUARANTEED TRUE! I'm telling you, these guys were real connoisseurs! They knew their shit-no fooling!

In the end, they decided on a nice well-thumbed NIV bible for me. The more enlightening passages already pre-underlined for my convenience! You couldn't ask for a gospeller gospel!What with all the excitement, they even forgot to ask for their money back!

I have no idea whatever happened to the Bible they gave me.

The $12? Why, I blew it all on crystal meth and dancing girls, of course.