So, to reprise a semi-occasional topic that semi-occasionally appears in this space: What I got In The Mail Today.

Gold.

Ha ha, yes! I bought some real mail order Gold. This is because lately all my investments have turned out to be crap. Stocks, of course, are in the crapper these days, and as savings accounts don't pay a rate of interest equal to the rate of inflation, savings accounts are a losing proposition. Their only (and somewhat dubious) claim-to-fame is that they don't lose money quite so spectacularly rapidly as do stock funds these days. What's a guy to do! Obviously, what a guy should do is emulate my personal financial guru, Scrooge McDuck, and obtain a swimming pool full of gold coins in which to do high-dives. Doubloons! Pieces of Eight! Arr, matey, there's romance in them there gold!

Now I, too, can sit there like Midas counting my gold coins. "One... Two... Three.." I'll say, and then I'll start again: "One... Two... Three..." This is because I only have three gold coins. That was all I could afford.

Fun as counting to three is, sooner or later the best thing to do with Gold is stash it somewhere, and hope you remember later where you stashed it.* I stashed mine in the sugar jar. I stashed my in the flour bin. I know it'll be safe there! Who would look in a flour bin for Gold? Seriously though it is not in the sugar jar. That was a typo. Seriously though just stay the fuck away from my sugar jar, okay? Thanks.

*Did you ever find a twenty that you stashed a decade ago, maybe in like a book or something, a book that you never read, and you've totally forgotten about stashing the twenty, and then for some reason one day you pick up the book and there it is? Isn't that so totally sweet? Isn't the joy of finding a forgotten twenty far far greater than that pain (which you never felt anyway) of forgetting about stashing the twenty in the first place? Maybe I'll just scatter my gold about in random hidey-holes around the house and forget about it. Just think about how happy I'll be when I'm, like, eighty six or some shit, and find a gold coin in the heating register!