My troubles are behind me now! Today in the mail I got a letter from Saint Matthew's Church of Tulsa, Oklahoma! (http://www.biblicalprayer.com/ )
Opening with the truly compelling salutation "Dear ... Someone Connected with this Address," the letter goes on to explain all the blessings and gifts of divine providence just waiting for me -and all I have to do is PRAY! Health! Financial Blessings! A New Car! Why, this religion deal is even better than getting on a Game Show on TV! All this -AND MORE- can be mine, thanks to a God just busting over with benevolence, and the Amazing Jesus Power of the enclosed Church Prayer Rug (also referred to in the letter as, variously, the Prayer Rug of Faith; the Bible Faith, Church, Prayer Rug; the Biblical Faith Church Prayer Rug; the Holy Ghost Bible Prayer Rug). The good people at St. Matthews, my gosh, but they couldn't be more excited to tell me these Glad Tidings!! The important bits in the letter are not only capitalized and in bold-face, but underlined in fake-handwritten-blue-ink as well- as if they were SO OVERCOME WITH EMOTION by this Message of Hope, that they JUST COULDN'T HELP but call the printer up and tell them to put in the fake underlining!
For all the build-up, I must say the Church Prayer Rug itself was kind of a let-down. I have to admit that I was expecting more than a folded 11x17 sheet of paper with a four-colour print of Jesus' Face inside a frame that looks kind of like an Oriental Carpet. What kind of loser cheap-skate God is behind this racket, anyhow? If this is the best "rug" God can afford, how the hell is He going to pony up the kind of serious cash I expect to be Blessed with? But I must cast aside such doubts. After all, it is said that the Lord works in mysterious ways, and also because the letter states that praying with this rug is "going to be like you are kneeling before God All Mighty at the altar inside a great church of blessings." You can't tell me that praying with just any old cheap Xerox would be like that!
Fortunately (because if you're like me, well, you don't got a whole lot of experience praying with 11x17 paper prayer rugs that come in the mail) the Church Prayer Rug comes with instructions:
Just in case I had any doubts left as to the efficacy of the Church Prayer Rug, an enclosed leaflet has excerpts of letters of those who have received the Blessings of the Almighty, all thanks to the Church Prayer Rug, which is all to the good, because really there is no better way to prove a thesis than by testimonials from credulous semi-literates:
Apparently, more testimonials of answered prayers are available for your reading pleasure at their website, but frankly I'm just NOT BORED ENOUGH to look them up. Anyway, with the glittering examples cited above, WHO NEEDS MORE PROOF?
Get outta my way, it's time to pray!
Opening with the truly compelling salutation "Dear ... Someone Connected with this Address," the letter goes on to explain all the blessings and gifts of divine providence just waiting for me -and all I have to do is PRAY! Health! Financial Blessings! A New Car! Why, this religion deal is even better than getting on a Game Show on TV! All this -AND MORE- can be mine, thanks to a God just busting over with benevolence, and the Amazing Jesus Power of the enclosed Church Prayer Rug (also referred to in the letter as, variously, the Prayer Rug of Faith; the Bible Faith, Church, Prayer Rug; the Biblical Faith Church Prayer Rug; the Holy Ghost Bible Prayer Rug). The good people at St. Matthews, my gosh, but they couldn't be more excited to tell me these Glad Tidings!! The important bits in the letter are not only capitalized and in bold-face, but underlined in fake-handwritten-blue-ink as well- as if they were SO OVERCOME WITH EMOTION by this Message of Hope, that they JUST COULDN'T HELP but call the printer up and tell them to put in the fake underlining!
For all the build-up, I must say the Church Prayer Rug itself was kind of a let-down. I have to admit that I was expecting more than a folded 11x17 sheet of paper with a four-colour print of Jesus' Face inside a frame that looks kind of like an Oriental Carpet. What kind of loser cheap-skate God is behind this racket, anyhow? If this is the best "rug" God can afford, how the hell is He going to pony up the kind of serious cash I expect to be Blessed with? But I must cast aside such doubts. After all, it is said that the Lord works in mysterious ways, and also because the letter states that praying with this rug is "going to be like you are kneeling before God All Mighty at the altar inside a great church of blessings." You can't tell me that praying with just any old cheap Xerox would be like that!
Fortunately (because if you're like me, well, you don't got a whole lot of experience praying with 11x17 paper prayer rugs that come in the mail) the Church Prayer Rug comes with instructions:
"Look into Jesus' Eyes you will see they are closed. But as you continue to look you will see His eyes opening and looking back into your eyes." (and I bet you will, too, if- you know- you happen to be really really high at the time) "Then go and be alone and kneel on this Rug of Faith or touch it to both knees."
Just in case I had any doubts left as to the efficacy of the Church Prayer Rug, an enclosed leaflet has excerpts of letters of those who have received the Blessings of the Almighty, all thanks to the Church Prayer Rug, which is all to the good, because really there is no better way to prove a thesis than by testimonials from credulous semi-literates:
- "Dear [Saint Matthew's], My husband listed 7 things that he wanted God to do for him.... GOD BLESSED US WITH $10,700. HE WENT OUT AND BOUGHT US A CAR." writes L.B. of Maryland. Although I suspect L.B. means that it was her husband, Mr. B. of Maryland, who bought the car, the exact wording is somewhat ambiguous, and I am charmed by the idea that maybe it was the Lord of all Creation Himself who was haggling away at Honest Sam's Value Car Mart (motto: No credit? No Problem!), maybe rubbing His chin, saying "well, Sam, yes, it's a nice car... sure... but I don't know... 140,000 seems a lot of miles... hmm"
- "...GOD BLESSED ME WITH OVER $5,000.00" writes C.D. of Pennsyvania, who presumably wouldn't have written in all caps if he knew that he was blessed with less than half the sum that L.B. got. "Ouch!" to you, C.D.!
- "Our Lord... has blessed us with a BIG 6 ROOM HOUSE..." adds Mrs. T.F., in what may be my personal favourite.
Apparently, more testimonials of answered prayers are available for your reading pleasure at their website, but frankly I'm just NOT BORED ENOUGH to look them up. Anyway, with the glittering examples cited above, WHO NEEDS MORE PROOF?
Get outta my way, it's time to pray!
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