Everybody knows that my crazy ex landlord is completely batshit insane. But what I'm beginning to think is that her attorney, Clement W. Pyles, may not be paddling with both oars in the water either.

For those of your who may not have been following along at home, my crazy ex-landlord (hereafter referred to as C.X.L.) isn't exactly thrilled about being on the losing end of our ongoing legal battle, and so has retained the services of the illustrious Mr Pyles, apparently in order to funnel even more of her money right down the drain. I received a letter from said Clement W. Pyles today, a letter filled with some especially choice gems of incompetence. Particularly risible was his contention that, in my tenancy with Isabelle, my security deposit was $500 per month. No doubt there are some renters whose leases require them to plunk down a deposit each and every month, but I imagine that such cases are tolerably rare; I suspect most tenants in Ohio pay just one deposit, at the beginning of the lease, and thereafter merely pay rent on the monthly basis. This was certainly the case with me, although the deposit in question amounted to somewhat more than $500. Curiously, the amount which Isabelle (belatedly) returned to me wasn't $500 either, but I'll chalk up the difference to general moronicism on the part of her and Mr Pyles.

Then Mr Pyles went on (in his letter) saying that in any event it was a mistake that she returned anything; actually, what she had meant to do (but I guess had forgotten to do) was charge me $900 and some change because of damage my bicycle caused, and that if I didn't just drop my claims and walk away, she will countersue me.

Granted, if left unattended, a bicycle can go shockingly awry, wreaking immense destruction left and right (that's after all why we cyclists generally lock them up when we aren't riding them) it seems to me rather odd that only now- after I've been out of Isabelle's place for well over a year, and have in addition won a judgment against her, that she recalls that my bike ALLEGEDLY may have behaved badly.

So once again I called up Rapid- a good and true man, an attorney who could out-lawyer this two-bit blackguard pettifogger Pyles with one hand and a couple of fingers tied behind his back- and while Rapid had some impenetrable legalistic terms, even including such rigamarole as a "statue of limitations" (must be quite a beautiful sculpture, seeing as how it HAS BEEN MADE INTO LAW), his professional opinion was much the same as my unprofessional one: viz, that Mr Pyles' threat was a ridiculous and transparent bluff.

So! Time to call Mr Pyles! Mr Pyles was somewhat surprised to learn of my opinion that $500 was not in fact the amount of the original deposit, and further seemed rather fascinated that I had something called "a copy of the lease", which apparently would settle the question of the deposit once and for all. He was all a-quiver! Could he see this, he asked? Could he see this "lease", of which I spoke so highly? "Oh, I'm sure my crazy ex lan--, I mean, I'm sure Isabelle has a copy- hasn't she provided you with one?" Mr Pyles informed me that no, she hadn't, and in fact she didn't seem to possess a copy, which was unfortunate, it was very sad indeed, but he should very much like to see a copy regardless, and would be very grateful should I be so good to fax him one.

As much as I dislike disappointing my fellow man, I told him that I didn't have a copy with me (I was on the phone at the time, after all), and further that I had no intention whatsoever of walking away from the judgment- I would perhaps settle for $100 less, just to get it all over and done with- but if Isabelle insists on appealing the judgment, and if we go back to court, state law allows me to ask for "reasonable attorney's fees". I hadn't claimed that before, as I had been self-represented, but now that Isabelle has engaged such an EMINENT LEGAL SCHOLAR as yourself, well, I would be a fool to go before the court without counsel, wouldn't I?. Naturally I would therefore ask for reasonable attorney fees in addition to the judgment.

Rapid deserves no less, he is reasonablest attorney I know.