Monday Brandon gave his two weeks' notice at work. This took us all by complete surprise- none of us had had any inkling- I should point out that Brandon has worked with us for about seven years. He's generally well-liked around the office- a bit of a goof-ball- but competent enough. He has a wife and baby to support as well; Crystal doesn't work (and neither does young Bryden, for that matter). So naturally we were all astonished! What is Brandon's deal??? As your reporter here, I undertook to find out- and the answer astonished even me! Heartbreak! Betrayal! More twists and turns than a python at a cat convention! And plenty of pure comedy gold, if, like me, you are entertained by the spectacle of people behaving like jackasses.

Tuesday, Brandon and I went out to lunch (Chinese).

"So you really quit your job????"

"Yep."

"Whatever for???"

"I'm sick of working with Scott."

"You got anything lined up?"

"Nope."

Brandon added a few remarks about Scott's unreasonableness- apparently Scott was of the idea
that Brandon should, I don't know, do his job instead of texting all day, and we walked up to his car. Except it wasn't his car- it was Crystal's. "Where's your car?"

"Gone."

"Gone? Gone where?"

"Just gone"

I was starting to get a bit irritated at his gnomic responses by this point, but once we got in he began elaborating: "Bankruptcy court's taken it. Yeah we filed last month."

"What???"

I'm matey enough with Brandon at work of course, but I wouldn't say we're close personal friends, and his personal life is one of those things we've never discussed (as heretofore I have had absolutely no interest in it).

"We're going to lose the house too, of course."

"What??? Oh wow... that sucks... what are you going to do?"

"Oh, find an apartment I guess. I'll probably start looking over the weekend.... What Crystal doesn't know is that she's not coming with me."

"What!!"

The bombshells were tumbling out now fast and furious! One revelation after another!

"Yeah, I'm leaving her... My God she's so fucking stupid."

(This actually wasn't much of a revelation. Crystal is dumber than a sack of walnut shells)

The next day at work I learned that the Plan was to move to Cincinnati the day after his last day at work. Apparently it turns out Brandon is seeing some little chickadee down there who he met on the Internet- CLASS. I guess he's been seeing her for months- and she's the reason he always calls off on Mondays. "Yeah, she'll let me stay there till I get back on my feet!"

"So you're just going to up and leave Crystal? With no job? In a house that's being foreclosed on? .... What is she going to do???"

"Oh, I don't care"

Delivered with a cold complacency and calm impersonal contempt. He speaks as though it's the normalest thing in the world.

A word about Crystal. I don't want to be mean, but ... well, oh okay. You talked me into it. Crystal is no prize. She is homely as a turnip (and about the same proportions), dull, ignorant as a plank, and while not actually trying to be hideous she is about as drab as she can possibly manage. She lacks any grace, wit, spark, style or flash. To be fair, it's not like she let herself go after her marriage. Truth is she never had it going on to begin with. She is not without her good points, though- she doesn't have a spiteful or malicious or vindictive bone in her body. I've never heard her say anything mean-spirited about anyone. Possibly this is because she doesn't have the imagination to come up a worthwhile zinger.

Now, personally I myself would never want to be married to Crystal, and if I found myself in such an unfortunate predicament, I too would take steps to remedy the situation, so I can understand Brandon's motivation here. But the fact is that Brandon is married to her, and he
did so under his own free will, and there's a right way and a wrong way to end marriages and
it seems to me that skipping out in the dead of night without warning, leaving your wife to fend for herself, with no money, no job, in a house being foreclosed upon, is a pretty shitty way to do it. And to consider that he's leaving his infant son in the bargain adds a whole order of magnitude of shittiness to it.

The next day at work Brandon is all "best night's sleep I ever had!" I try to ignore him.

"Yeah. I slept in the car with a bunch of blankets!" "Wasn't it a little ... cold?" "Well yeah but NO Crystal!!!"

The next day at work Brandon is "So do you want to see some pictures?"

He's got a bunch of photos on his computer of his house, ransacked. Turns out Crystal left. When he was at work. Crystal took all her clothes and personal effects, of course, and the baby, and all the baby's accessories, and all the food out of the 'fridge and all the food out of the freezer and all of the cleaning supplies and a fair selection of furniture and the microwave oven and the kitchen stove and the dishwasher.

She also took the dead-bolt locks out of the front door. This is turning out to be our own personal Jerry Springer show!

"Good for Crystal!" I thought. "Wow jeeze!" I said.

"She left the table her grandfather made. I wish I could see her face when I send her the video of that table going up in flames!"

I have no idea where this malice came from. Even Brandon admits that the stove and dishwasher and locks were bought by Crystal's family. Brandon seems to be under the impression that these photos will help him when they face off in court: "yes, your honor, she took all her things when she left!"

The next day at work I learn the Plan has changed. Brandon is no longer planning on moving
to Cincinnati; with Crystal out of the picture he's going to stay in "his" house. Since he's in bankruptcy apparently he doesn't have to pay his mortgage ("Free rent!" he says with thumbs up. "What a fucking scumbag" says Allison) They won't kick him out for six months, maybe a year! He is looking forward to all the fun he is going to have! I wonder what happened to the Brandon I used to know. It's like he's having a mid-life crisis, but he's only 27 or so... Kids today!!!

He doesn't seem to have any idea how much he's fucked his life up. He seems to think maybe he's going back to a simpler time, before he was married, before he had a kid.

It's like he wanted to hit the reset button, but instead he hit self-destruct.